This has been a question that has plagued mankind since the beginning of time.  The simple answer is that you take a magnet and put it near something with iron in it and – Hey, Presto! – it works.

Well, that’s not really how they work.  OK, so I guess that is how they work so the better question is why they work.  This has been a question that I have also been pondering for many years, and now, with access to all of the great minds in the world – thanks to the Internet – I can answer that age old question.
Here’s how magnets work:

All objects contain atoms, and these atoms contain electrons that move around in orbits with a certain spin. The movement of any electron in this manner creates a tiny magnetic field. However, most electrons in atoms exist in pairs. Atoms of magnetic materials contain unpaired electrons with the…

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My Special Angel

OPTIMISM

Always remember that when you reach for the stars. . .
they’re too far way, so it’s hopeless.

WELCOME TO OREGON!

INSTALLING SUMMER…..

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HUMAN STEW

So you’re looking forward to jumping into the hot tub at the motel?  The one that about 1000 people have soaked in before you?   Slowly cooking their bodies in the hot liquid, stirring briskly with the water jets and seasoning it with the filth that falls from their unwashed bodies?


It’s just a crock pot for human stew. 
The chemical analysis of the average hot tub reveals the following results:
 
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Chemical Analysis of the Average Hot Tub


Water (H2O) – 92%

Chlorine – < .00001%

Perspiration, mucus, saliva and other glandular secretions – 2%

Other chemicals (Deodorant, Aftershave, and things I don’t want to mention) – 1.4%

Dead skin cells – 1%

Fungi (Athletes Foot, Toe Nail, and other, more personal) – 1%

Bacteria and Viruses (Hepatitis, Streptococci, Cryptosporidium, et. al.) – .8%

Fecal Matter and Urine – You don’t want to know!

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If you do use the hot tub it is highly recommended that the following steps be taken immediately afterwards:


1) Shower and wash thoroughly using an antibacterial soap.

2) Apply a prescription fungicide over your entire body.

3) Liberally douse your skin with rubbing alcohol.

4) Light yourself on fire.

IT’S OFFICIAL

     
      I’m gonna win the lottery!

QUESADILLAS

Which one of these is a quesadilla maker?



A



B
 If you said “A”, you’re a moron. But don’t feel bad.
I was a moron once, too.

A few years ago, while looking for a Valentine’s Day gift for my wife, I happened upon a great deal on the above pictured “A”.  Over strong objections from my daughter, I purchased said item “A” and presented it to my lovely spouse.  She thought I was out of my mind and I reluctantly returned “A” for a refund. 

WARNING:  DO NOT BUY YOUR WIFE AN ELECTRICAL APPLIANCE FOR VALENTINE’S DAY!

But I always thought, deep down inside, that “A” was the bomb.  I mean, a machine the makes quesadillas!  So recently I purchased a brand new “A” at the store.  OK, it was a thrift store but is was brand new.  Well, I thought it was brand new but when I took it out of the box I found it was indeed used.  So I actually bought a used quesadilla maker at the thrift store.

But I had it! 

That night I offered to prepare my wife a quesadilla.  So I cleaned my disappointingly used quesadilla maker and turned it on.  (I did have to go on-line to find the instructions as my new/used quesadilla maker was lacking those)  It has two lights, neither of which tells you when the quesadilla is done.  You have to time it – which was already way more work than I wanted to do.

So I put cheese between two tortillas, closed the lid and waited 4 minutes.  When I opened the lid, there was a perfectly brown tortilla staring back at me.  It looked great!  Unfortunately, it was surrounded by a lot of the cheese that had oozed out of the tortillas.  Actually is was surrounded by all the cheese I had put in the tortillas.  So I gave it to my wife and she said something snappy like,
“Isn’t there supposed to be cheese in a cheese quesadilla?”

I then took my brand new used quesadilla maker, put it back in the box (that looked new) and went out to the garbage can and threw it away. 

I was a moron.

I mean, the thing is called the Santa Fe quesadilla maker but it sure wasn’t made in Santa Fe and I doubt that anyone who lives in New Mexico would be stupid enough to buy one.

It’s made in China – like everything else. 

I can imagine the conversation between two Chinese guys building quesadilla makers:

Guy 1: What’s a quesadilla?

Guy 2: It’s two tortillas filled with cheese and other stuff.

Guy 1: What’s a tortilla?

Guy 2:  It’s a thin round of unleavened bread made of cornmeal or wheat flour usually eaten hot with a topping of . . . 

(Guy 1 is no longer paying attention as he is busy checking out the new girl assembling George Foreman grills two rows over.)

“B” is a quesadilla maker, by the way.