RADIO FOR MEN

 
I have recently discovered a radio program that I can highly recommend: Coast to Coast AM  This appears to be the only place men like me (with inquiring minds) can get the truth.
Coast to Coast is totally independent from all the government controlled media – CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, Howard Stern and the like.  Coast to Coast does not shirk from their responsibility to report on the subjects the main stream media is afraid to touch.  Things like the alien invasion, the fact that the living dead walk among us or that unseen creatures are living inside our heads.  You know, stuff that “Big Brother” is hiding from us.  (I just figured out how to use “links” so bear with me while I over do it).
Now I’m not saying that this started with President Obama, no, no, no, no, no.   It is well documented that when aliens first arrived on our planet in the late 1700’s, George Washington began this deception of the American public.  And it has been carried on by all the presidents since then (except, of course, for Theodore Roosevelt and Jimmy Carter, who were, you know, “not from around here” – if you get my drift)  There is documented historical evidence which proves our founding fathers had contact with extraterrestrials:

Now you folks can try to hide from the fact that we have been invaded from space, but you are only in denial. If you live in Omaha or somewhere, there are probably not too many aliens walking the streets around you.  But I live in Portland, Oregon, and all I have to do is look out the window. Man, they’re everywhere!

There is a great documentary about this invasion. Click here for details.  We all need to be aware of this impending threat!

You all need to be know how to defend yourself and your family from these evil invaders.  There are 3 things that can kill them:
  • Cigarette smoke
  • Water
  • Wood baseball bats

And the government is doing everything it can to prevent you from using these things against them!

First, the aliens conspired with President Lyndon Johnson to tell us that cigarettes are bad so we would all stop smoking.  And it’s working!  Fewer and fewer people are smoking thus reducing the risk of alien demise.

Then, as you have surely noticed, most of the water we drink now comes in plastic bottles. To make it easier for you to drink?  Not so!  It’s to protect “them” from accidental spills.

And they last thing – the most insipid thing – the government is trying to replace all wood baseball bats with aluminum ones.  That’s not only unconscionable, it’s blasphemy to the game of baseball! (I know they also had something to do with the designated hitter rule but I can’t prove that).

So get yourselves a few buckets of water, fire up a smoke and grab your baseball bat. Stay alert!  Stay alive!  The alien invaders are here and they are bent on the destruction of everything we hold dear!

OK, OK.  So some of this stuff is probably not true and everything they talk about on Coast To Coast may be slightly exaggerated.  Alright!  Everything they talk about is extremely exaggerated! But it’s still a great show and you should all listen in.

And you shouldn’t smoke.

         Did you know Abraham Lincoln was a cyborg?

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CHILDBIRTH – BEEN THERE, DONE THAT

I have 4 children and I helped deliver all 4. Well, maybe not helped, but I was in the room. Childbirth proves women can be manly too.

Someone should take a blueprint of a woman and a blueprint of a baby to an engineer and present him with this riddle: “This baby is inside this woman (which is creepy in itself) and it has to come out. You can’t make any new holes in the woman to accomplish that. How would you do it?”

The engineer would get out his calculator and spend hours on the computer doing complex calculations and structural studies. He would write stuff on a whiteboard with numbers and letters and arrows and such. He would consult with his fellow engineers throughout the world. He would then finally arrive at the only reasonable conclusion:

“Well, that’s just not possible.”

But it happens.  And it is certainly not easy.  I mean, it is so stressful that during the birth of my son, one of the nurses thought I was going to faint and offered me smelling salts.  I explained that I was a man and didn’t need them and she obviously had me confused with some sissy in another room.

And there was my wife stuggling on the bed trying to deliver this kid. She was making all sorts of noises and straining to push the baby out.  It had to hurt as it’s like trying to pull a bowling ball out of your navel.

And then the nurses and doctor said, “You’re doing good, your doing great!”

Doing good? Doing great? Are you people paying attention here?

THIS IS CHAOS!!!

Then they start saying odd things like, “The baby’s crowning!”

Crowning? And I say nothing because I don’t know if crowning is good thing or a bad thing.

“OK, start pushing as hard are you can. We’re going to deliver the head.  Push with all your might!”

They sound like Captain Ahab telling the crew on the whale boat to, “Row ye mateys! Row for all you’re worth!”

And I start saying, “Breathe, breathe!” – not to my wife but to myself.

My wife’s face in now contorted into a expression I thought only a gargoyle could make.

Where are my smelling salts?

“We going to deliver the head”, they say. “Here it comes, here it comes”.

Push ye matey, push for all you’re worth!

“The head is out!” My wife stops making so much noise and her face begins to take on human form once again.

“OK, you’ll need to push again to deliver the shoulders”.

Deliver the head? Deliver the shoulders? Is this kid coming out in pieces? Am I’m going to have to assemble him when I get home?

And they hold him up and say, “This is your son. He’s beautiful.” But he doesn’t look like the babies you see on TV. You know, all plump and pink and smiling. This one’s kind of an odd color and, well, sort of funny looking. And he is very noisy.

They then whisk him off and he’s crying and they lay him on a cold plastic table and suction him and weigh him and poke him. And I don’t like that and feel bad for him. And I go over and – against all hospital rules – I touch his foot.

I touched his foot!

I’m a Dad!

Thanks Mona.