“Fix bayonets!” would be the most frightening words I could ever hear.

I mean, if you’re in a foxhole somewhere and the shout goes out to “Fix bayonets”, you know that something really bad is about to happen.

There is nowhere to run.

There is nowhere to hide.

You are about to fight for your life.

Well, the good news is that I’m not in a foxhole somewhere and, God willing, I will never hear those words. I am a married man living in America and life is good. But there is a phrase that can cause men like me to have a reaction similar to hearing someone shout “Fix Bayonets!” A phrase spoken by wives everywhere: “We need to talk”.

When your wife says, “We need to talk”, you know something really bad is about to happen.

There is nowhere to run.

There is nowhere to hide.

You are about to fight with your wife.

Women always have thoughts. They’re always thinking about something. Thinking about how to change or improve something. And all their thoughts involve you. Thinking about how you need to change or how you need to improve. They are always thinking about stuff like that.

Men don’t think. I mean, well we do think but we think about different things. Like, what should I eat or what’s on TV or what should I eat? You know, stuff like that. We sometimes even have ideas but seldom follow through on those because that would be really hard.

A typical conversation would go like this:

Wife: “We need to talk.”

Man: “Oh, boy. . .”

Wife: “You know how we were thinking about a new vinyl floor for the kitchen?”

Man: “Yeah, I know YOU were thinking about that.”

Wife: “Well you never got around to it so I want it done this Saturday!”

Man: “This Saturday? I can’t do it this Saturday. I have to, you know, do that other thing.”

Wife (with raised voice): “I KNEW you would say that!! But is doesn’t matter. I called a flooring company and they are coming out on Saturday to install it. And it’s going to cost a lot but I don’t care! If you weren’t so darned LAZY you could have done it a long time ago. But you never care about anything I care about!”

(Wife leaves and slams a door somewhere)

And the man stands there, knowing his wife is right. Knowing he should do more things around the house. And he tries to think about how to make this up to her. How to show her how much he really loves her. How to make her happy.

He thinks long and hard but can come up with only one thought:

“What should I eat?”

6 Responses

  1. Eat liverwurst!

  2. Hmmm….your wife sounds AWFUL.

  3. My wife is wonderful!Some wives are not.

  4. Eat your diahrrea!

  5. This is SO TRUE!!! It just shows that us wives do all the important thinking. If it wasn't for us, you'd be a big fat blob in front of the boob tube watched Project Runway. Ok, that's not that far from where we are now……….

  6. If you butter them up with yarn, or make dinner, or rub their feet while you're both watching t.v. you both win. She'll be busy with her yarn or food or foot rub to think(complain) about those awful things you need to do. So a simple 5-20 bucks to 5-20min foot rub could save you another Saturday to do normal guy stuff.

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