FIX BAYONETS!

“Fix bayonets!” would be the most frightening words I could ever hear.

I mean, if you’re in a foxhole somewhere and the shout goes out to “Fix bayonets”, you know that something really bad is about to happen.

There is nowhere to run.

There is nowhere to hide.

You are about to fight for your life.

Well, the good news is that I’m not in a foxhole somewhere and, God willing, I will never hear those words. I am a married man living in America and life is good. But there is a phrase that can cause men like me to have a reaction similar to hearing someone shout “Fix Bayonets!” A phrase spoken by wives everywhere: “We need to talk”.

When your wife says, “We need to talk”, you know something really bad is about to happen.

There is nowhere to run.

There is nowhere to hide.

You are about to fight with your wife.

Women always have thoughts. They’re always thinking about something. Thinking about how to change or improve something. And all their thoughts involve you. Thinking about how you need to change or how you need to improve. They are always thinking about stuff like that.

Men don’t think. I mean, well we do think but we think about different things. Like, what should I eat or what’s on TV or what should I eat? You know, stuff like that. We sometimes even have ideas but seldom follow through on those because that would be really hard.

A typical conversation would go like this:

Wife: “We need to talk.”

Man: “Oh, boy. . .”

Wife: “You know how we were thinking about a new vinyl floor for the kitchen?”

Man: “Yeah, I know YOU were thinking about that.”

Wife: “Well you never got around to it so I want it done this Saturday!”

Man: “This Saturday? I can’t do it this Saturday. I have to, you know, do that other thing.”

Wife (with raised voice): “I KNEW you would say that!! But is doesn’t matter. I called a flooring company and they are coming out on Saturday to install it. And it’s going to cost a lot but I don’t care! If you weren’t so darned LAZY you could have done it a long time ago. But you never care about anything I care about!”

(Wife leaves and slams a door somewhere)

And the man stands there, knowing his wife is right. Knowing he should do more things around the house. And he tries to think about how to make this up to her. How to show her how much he really loves her. How to make her happy.

He thinks long and hard but can come up with only one thought:

“What should I eat?”
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REAL MEN HATE SNOW

I hate snow.

I am a real man. 
I hate snow.
Therefore real men hate snow.
For me the hate began as a small child.  I was raised in Oakland, California and it doesn’t snow there.  Some people think Oakland has nothing going for it but, hey, since it doesn’t snow there it is automatically much better than any location in Minnesota or Wisconsin.
When I was a little kid I drew a picture of a snow scene showing snowballs falling from the sky.  Yeah, that’s right, I thought it snowed snowballs. (OK, Ha Ha I’m dumb)  My sainted mother explained that snow came down as beautiful flakes and no two are the same.  As kids we used to cut snowflakes out of paper and hang them on the wall. 

Snow flakes are beautiful and no two are the same.

This is a LIE!
The first time I ever saw it snow was when I was 30 years old and living in Medford, Oregon.  I stood it the yard and with the awe of a child watched the snowflakes fall!
Snowflakes my ass.  Snow, real snow, looks like balls of lint falling from the sky.  There are no beautiful flakes and they all look the same.  Chunks of crummy lint falling from the sky.  I was told that to see the beautiful snowflake designs you will need like an electron microscope or something.  My sainted mother had lied to me!  (I, of course, forgive her as real men love their moms)
And snow is cold and snow is wet and snow is slippery and snow just totally sucks.  If you ski or snow board you may disagree with me but that is because you are stupid.
Snow has no redeeming social value.  None.
As I write this I am sitting in a motel room in Klamath Falls, Oregon waiting for the snow to stop so I can drive home. I just looked out the window and there are millions of “snowflakes” falling steadily to the earth. 
Lint from the heavens.
I hate snow.