I have been eating chili for many years. Chili is the perfect food and has all the necessary nutrients to sustain human life. It has been scientifically proven that a diet consisting only of chili will extend your lifespan, encourage hair growth and make you exceedingly attractive to women.

OK, I made that part about hair growth up.

I have taken it upon myself today to put into writing my technique for making chili. I will provide you with my simple 6 step recipe for making a most excellent chili. You must follow these steps precisely to ensure good results.

1) Make sure your hands are clean

Do this by first making a visual inspection. Look for loose bits of of grit, sand or other debris. If you see anything of that nature, wipe your hands vigorously on your pants a few times then re-inspect. Repeat this process until you are satisfied with the results.

Next, smell your hands, paying particular attention to the tips of your fingers. It you detect any odors that you think might taint the chili you can try wiping your hands on your pants again but that probably won’t work. If it doesn’t, you will need to thoroughly wash your hands with water – using soap if necessary.

2) You need to find a pot

The size of the pot depends on the quantity of chili you plan to make. If it’s just for you, a small pot will do. If you are making a larger batch, choose a larger pot. Take a close look at the pot and make sure there is no stuff stuck to the bottom. If there is, try to pick off whatever’s there with your finger nail.

Small bits of stuff that are about the same color as chili are fine, but if there’s like half a egg stuck on the bottom you will need to try and pick that off. If you are unable to get the pot clean, put it back in the cupboard and choose a different one

3) Prepare to cook

Turn one of the knobs on the stove. If you have a gas stove, one of the burners should burst into flame. If it doesn’t, turn that knob off and turn on another knob. Keep doing that until one of the burners lights up.

If you have an electric stove, turn one of the knobs and place your hand on the burners until you feel heat coming from one of them. Don’t let a lot of time pass between turning the knob and putting your hand on the burners.

When you have a burner going, place the pot on that burner. This is called “pre-heating the pot”. Once you begin the pre-heating process, you will need to move pretty fast from that point on. DO NOT go watch TV or something! If you do that, the pot may overheat.

4) Assemble the ingredients

Go through the cupboards in your kitchen until you find one that has cans in it. You will probably have to open several cupboards until you find the right one. I like to leave open the cupboards I’ve already looked in so I won’t waste time looking in the same one twice (This is what we cooks call a “tip”). Remember that you are pre-heating the pot so time is of the essence.

Once you find the cupboard containing the cans, look for one that’s about the same size as a beer can only fatter. Not a tall boy but a regular can. If you are married, your wife may have “organized” the cans by what’s in them (like, fruit with fruit, tuna with tuna, etc.), instead of by size. What you are looking for is a can that says “Chili”. It may also say “Chili con Carne”. Both are good. One can = one serving. So grab a can for each person who will be eating your chili.

5) Open the can(s)

There a two types of can openers, manual and electric. You must first determine which type you have. The easiest way to do that is to look and see if it’s plugged into the wall. If it is, it’s probably an electric one. If that’s what you have, unplug it and throw it in the garbage. They never work right. Use a manual one instead. If you don’t have a manual one you will need to go to the store and buy one. Once you have it, open your can(s).

6) Cook the chili

Dump the chili into the pot. If your pot is over pre-heated (like if you had to go buy a can opener or something) there may be some sputtering of the chili when the cooking begins. So stand back while dumping. If you are preparing several servings and realize that the pot you chose won’t hold all the cans, grab a bigger pot, dump the chili from the too small pot into the bigger pot and put the dirty pot in the sink. Somebody will take care of that later.

You will need to stir the chili while it cooks. It is best to use a spoon for that but if there is not one available any hand tool will work. As it cooks, occasionally stick your finger in the chili to test for doneness. When it reaches the point where you really don’t want to stick your finger in it again, the chili is done.

Put it in a bowl and eat it!

Bon Appetite!


2 Responses

  1. When I first started reading this I was thinking, "Does dad ever make chili that isn't in a can?" And then it all became clear!! LOL.

  2. I could not stop laughing!!

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