THE MANLY ART OF DRIVE-THRU DINING

If the picture above does not make you hungry, you are either not a man or you must have eaten something that looked a lot like that within the past hour or so.

This is food. American fast food.
We all love it and I have spent years perfecting the art of ordering it. My technique for ordering is remarkable in it’s simplicity. I always say the same thing, whether at Burger King, McDonald’s, Taco Bell, et al.
“Gimme a Number 4 with a coke”.
It really doesn’t matter where you are, a Number 4 with a coke will look something like the picture. Oh, sure, at Taco Bell it will look more burrito-ish but the calories and fat grams will be similar.
Now this technique always works for me unless they then ask me a question. Like they say, “Small, medium or large?” At that point I freeze.
You see, though I hate to admit it, I have a drive-thru disability. I don’t know exactly what happens to me but I develop some sort of fast food dyslexia or something. The words just won’t come. There are just too many decisions! I’m starting to feel woozy just thinking about it.
I have other drive-thru issues not directly associated with ordering. I have driven right past the menu board and arrived at the window without ever placing an order. If that should happen to you, you can do what I do: Ask them if they know how to get back on the interstate.
I have also placed my order and then driven right past the pick-up window. In this case I drive across the street and place a new order at Wendy’s.

I mean, have you looked at the menus? Too many choices! If I am not totally prepared to say “Number 4”, I’m lost in fast food hell.
And the worst, the absolute worst, is if your spouse or girl friend or any other woman is a passenger in the car and you have to order for them too. They always say, “Um, what looks good?” Well, DUH, it all looks good! “Um, I’ll have a Junior Deluxe Bacon Burger with no pickles but extra ketchup and fries, oh no, make that onion rings and a diet coke”.
So I think I’m set but it always goes something like this:
Intercom: “Are you ready to order?”
Me: “Yeah, gimme a Number 4 with a coke and a Junior Deluxe Bacon Burger without pickles, a . . . “
Passenger: “Oh, no, wait, I’ve change my mind, I want the Supreme Chicken sandwich and everything else the same”
Me: “OK, wait, a Number 4 with a coke, a Supreme Chicken sandwich, onion rings, and a diet co. . . “
Passenger: “No, wait, I want fries not onion rings”
Me: “I thought you said onion rings?”
Passenger: “Well I changed my mind”
I am now sweating profusely as I try again: “I want a Number 4 with a coke, a Supreme Chicken sandwich, fries and a diet coke”
Then the intercom say something like: “A Number 4 and what else?”
Me: “A Number 4 with a coke. A Supreme Chicken sandwich, an order of fries and a diet coke”
Intercom: “What size diet coke?”
Passenger: “Medium, no small, oh I guess medium”
Me: “Medium”
Intercom: “And the coke?”
Me: “What coke?”
Intercom: “The one with the Number 4”
Me: “Medium, everything medium”
Intercom: “So, we have three Number 4’s with medium cokes, a Junior Deluxe Bacon Burger with extra pickles, a Supreme Chicken sandwich, two orders of onion rings, one fries and a small Dr. Pepper. Will there be anything else?”
Me: “Nope, sounds good thanks!”
Intercom: “That’ll be $118.00 at the first window”
And you wonder why a lot of American men are fat?
Next post: Everything you always wanted to know about HDL’s, LDL’s and triglycerides.
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2 Responses

  1. That was classic, Dad. However, I don't think it was very manly of you to discuss your faults like that. Excellent idea asking directions though!!

  2. Why does this sound so familiar?

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