MEN IN SHORTS

Soccer is a stupid, boring sport.

As far as I can tell it’s just a bunch of guys running around in shorts trying to kick a ball into a huge net. That major problem with this so-called “sport” is that they hardly ever seem to kick the ball into that net.

I’m sorry, I just don’t get it.

A lot of people – mostly foreigners – seem to really like this game. They chant and cheer and yell while the guys in shorts never score any goals. The game lasts for like 8 hours and it is very common that the game ends with the score tied zero to zero. Yet the fans yell and chant the whole bloody time! How is that possible?

And they wear shorts. UGH! No sport is real a sport if you play it while wearing shorts. How can it be a manly game if you wear shorts? Oh I know some of you morons out there will point out that basketball players wear shorts but that’s not the same. I don’t know why, but it’s just not the same. Michael Jordan has more than proven that you can be manly and still wear shorts. Maybe it’s because they score like 90 to 100 points in a basketball game. I’m an American and scoring is important. Maybe in France, or some other country that’s used to losing, a zero to zero score can be considered “manly”. But I ain’t from France so it just doesn’t do it for me.

And the whole way the play the game is so bizarre – no helmets, no pads, no stick to hit stuff with – I mean, they can’t even pick up the ball without somebody blowing a whistle. And the rules are stupid. If you trip someone (“Oh, he tripped me, that mean man in the green shorts tripped me!”), the referee hands you a yellow card and you get in trouble. All the French fans start chanting “Pepe Le Pew” or some such nonsense and are wee wee happy that the guy gets in trouble. And, if you trip another guy, the ref hands you a red card and you have to leave the game.

If I had to wear shorts and play this stupid game I would immediately go out and trip two people so I could go home.

And soccer fans themselves are all nuts. Chanting and yelling while standing there for hours watching a scoreless game. It actually drives them insane and they start fighting with other fans in a attempt to relieve the boredom. That however does not always work. They will sometimes reach a point where they resort to jumping up and down wildly trying to get the stands to collapse. I used to wonder why they did that but finally figured it out: They know if they can cause most of the stadium to collapse onto the field, they’ll finally get to go home.

Next post: Why do the French hate Americans so much?

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4 Responses

  1. You don't like soccer because it goes on and on? Hellooooo, that's football (NOT futbol)! Maybe sometime in the next 100 years we could make it so that a play lasts more than 3 seconds with 2 minute breaks between them.

  2. I think the game that can go on and on would have to be baseball. There are just nine untimed innings. Technically if nobody ever got out, the game would never end. But I like baseball and I don't like soccer. So nevermind.

  3. weird that soccer is tame,foot ball is lame and rugby is insane.

  4. OK, then.No soccer ball for Christmas for you.

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