HOW TO MAKE CHILI LIKE A MAN

I have been eating chili for many years. Chili is the perfect food and has all the necessary nutrients to sustain human life. It has been scientifically proven that a diet consisting only of chili will extend your lifespan, encourage hair growth and make you exceedingly attractive to women.

OK, I made that part about hair growth up.

I have taken it upon myself today to put into writing my technique for making chili. I will provide you with my simple 6 step recipe for making a most excellent chili. You must follow these steps precisely to ensure good results.

1) Make sure your hands are clean

Do this by first making a visual inspection. Look for loose bits of of grit, sand or other debris. If you see anything of that nature, wipe your hands vigorously on your pants a few times then re-inspect. Repeat this process until you are satisfied with the results.

Next, smell your hands, paying particular attention to the tips of your fingers. It you detect any odors that you think might taint the chili you can try wiping your hands on your pants again but that probably won’t work. If it doesn’t, you will need to thoroughly wash your hands with water – using soap if necessary.

2) You need to find a pot

The size of the pot depends on the quantity of chili you plan to make. If it’s just for you, a small pot will do. If you are making a larger batch, choose a larger pot. Take a close look at the pot and make sure there is no stuff stuck to the bottom. If there is, try to pick off whatever’s there with your finger nail.

Small bits of stuff that are about the same color as chili are fine, but if there’s like half a egg stuck on the bottom you will need to try and pick that off. If you are unable to get the pot clean, put it back in the cupboard and choose a different one

3) Prepare to cook

Turn one of the knobs on the stove. If you have a gas stove, one of the burners should burst into flame. If it doesn’t, turn that knob off and turn on another knob. Keep doing that until one of the burners lights up.

If you have an electric stove, turn one of the knobs and place your hand on the burners until you feel heat coming from one of them. Don’t let a lot of time pass between turning the knob and putting your hand on the burners.

When you have a burner going, place the pot on that burner. This is called “pre-heating the pot”. Once you begin the pre-heating process, you will need to move pretty fast from that point on. DO NOT go watch TV or something! If you do that, the pot may overheat.

4) Assemble the ingredients

Go through the cupboards in your kitchen until you find one that has cans in it. You will probably have to open several cupboards until you find the right one. I like to leave open the cupboards I’ve already looked in so I won’t waste time looking in the same one twice (This is what we cooks call a “tip”). Remember that you are pre-heating the pot so time is of the essence.

Once you find the cupboard containing the cans, look for one that’s about the same size as a beer can only fatter. Not a tall boy but a regular can. If you are married, your wife may have “organized” the cans by what’s in them (like, fruit with fruit, tuna with tuna, etc.), instead of by size. What you are looking for is a can that says “Chili”. It may also say “Chili con Carne”. Both are good. One can = one serving. So grab a can for each person who will be eating your chili.

5) Open the can(s)

There a two types of can openers, manual and electric. You must first determine which type you have. The easiest way to do that is to look and see if it’s plugged into the wall. If it is, it’s probably an electric one. If that’s what you have, unplug it and throw it in the garbage. They never work right. Use a manual one instead. If you don’t have a manual one you will need to go to the store and buy one. Once you have it, open your can(s).

6) Cook the chili

Dump the chili into the pot. If your pot is over pre-heated (like if you had to go buy a can opener or something) there may be some sputtering of the chili when the cooking begins. So stand back while dumping. If you are preparing several servings and realize that the pot you chose won’t hold all the cans, grab a bigger pot, dump the chili from the too small pot into the bigger pot and put the dirty pot in the sink. Somebody will take care of that later.

You will need to stir the chili while it cooks. It is best to use a spoon for that but if there is not one available any hand tool will work. As it cooks, occasionally stick your finger in the chili to test for doneness. When it reaches the point where you really don’t want to stick your finger in it again, the chili is done.

Put it in a bowl and eat it!

Bon Appetite!

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PROJECT RUNWAY

I am a man. I love tools. I love football and baseball and basketball. I like John Wayne and movies with guns and car chases.

And I watch Project Runway.

There. I’ve said it.

Project Runway is a TV show where a group of designers compete to see who can make the best dress. No, you did not get that wrong. I watch it and I like it. I am a manly man and I watch Project Runway.

Don’t make me say it again!

I don’t know why I like it. I mean, it is a competition with a group of women and men – men who probably don’t like John Wayne and movies with guns and cars chases – who try to design the best dress. You may question the manliness of the men who compete but they are manly men indeed. I mean, come on, they go on TV and make dresses!

Are YOU man enough to do that, you sissy?

Now I know some of you may think that a guy who watches Project Runway may not be as manly as say, as guy who doesn’t watch Project Runway but you are wrong and obviously have some deep problems concerning you’re own manhood.

That last run-on sentence there is what a psychologist would call “justification”.

Whatever!

Project Runway is hosted by Heidi Klum. Heidi is a well known swimsuit and lingerie model and a semi-pro basketball player. Well, she’s not a semi-pro basketball player but being a lingerie model more than makes up for that.

She is also quite manly for a model. I mean, look at the picture. Could you play round ball in those heels?

I think not!

So that’s another, more manly reason I watch Project Runway:

Heidi Klum.

And there is a co-host named Tim Gunn. Now I can safely say the Tim is not your typical manly man. He knows way too much about fashion and I doubt he ever owned either a pickup truck or a bowling ball. He’s kind of the coach for the designers. He gives the old “Win one for the Gipper” speech. He’s like Knute Rockne or Vince Lombardi motivating his team.

I mean when Tim says “Make it work” or “Carry on!”, you know it’s crunch time for our designers!

Tim IS the man!

Well that’s all I’m going to say about watching Project Runway. If you think less of me as a man because of that, that’s your problem.

You’re the one with issues!

Did I mention that Heidi Klum is the host?

YO! MONA!

THE MANLY ART OF DRIVE-THRU DINING

If the picture above does not make you hungry, you are either not a man or you must have eaten something that looked a lot like that within the past hour or so.

This is food. American fast food.
We all love it and I have spent years perfecting the art of ordering it. My technique for ordering is remarkable in it’s simplicity. I always say the same thing, whether at Burger King, McDonald’s, Taco Bell, et al.
“Gimme a Number 4 with a coke”.
It really doesn’t matter where you are, a Number 4 with a coke will look something like the picture. Oh, sure, at Taco Bell it will look more burrito-ish but the calories and fat grams will be similar.
Now this technique always works for me unless they then ask me a question. Like they say, “Small, medium or large?” At that point I freeze.
You see, though I hate to admit it, I have a drive-thru disability. I don’t know exactly what happens to me but I develop some sort of fast food dyslexia or something. The words just won’t come. There are just too many decisions! I’m starting to feel woozy just thinking about it.
I have other drive-thru issues not directly associated with ordering. I have driven right past the menu board and arrived at the window without ever placing an order. If that should happen to you, you can do what I do: Ask them if they know how to get back on the interstate.
I have also placed my order and then driven right past the pick-up window. In this case I drive across the street and place a new order at Wendy’s.

I mean, have you looked at the menus? Too many choices! If I am not totally prepared to say “Number 4”, I’m lost in fast food hell.
And the worst, the absolute worst, is if your spouse or girl friend or any other woman is a passenger in the car and you have to order for them too. They always say, “Um, what looks good?” Well, DUH, it all looks good! “Um, I’ll have a Junior Deluxe Bacon Burger with no pickles but extra ketchup and fries, oh no, make that onion rings and a diet coke”.
So I think I’m set but it always goes something like this:
Intercom: “Are you ready to order?”
Me: “Yeah, gimme a Number 4 with a coke and a Junior Deluxe Bacon Burger without pickles, a . . . “
Passenger: “Oh, no, wait, I’ve change my mind, I want the Supreme Chicken sandwich and everything else the same”
Me: “OK, wait, a Number 4 with a coke, a Supreme Chicken sandwich, onion rings, and a diet co. . . “
Passenger: “No, wait, I want fries not onion rings”
Me: “I thought you said onion rings?”
Passenger: “Well I changed my mind”
I am now sweating profusely as I try again: “I want a Number 4 with a coke, a Supreme Chicken sandwich, fries and a diet coke”
Then the intercom say something like: “A Number 4 and what else?”
Me: “A Number 4 with a coke. A Supreme Chicken sandwich, an order of fries and a diet coke”
Intercom: “What size diet coke?”
Passenger: “Medium, no small, oh I guess medium”
Me: “Medium”
Intercom: “And the coke?”
Me: “What coke?”
Intercom: “The one with the Number 4”
Me: “Medium, everything medium”
Intercom: “So, we have three Number 4’s with medium cokes, a Junior Deluxe Bacon Burger with extra pickles, a Supreme Chicken sandwich, two orders of onion rings, one fries and a small Dr. Pepper. Will there be anything else?”
Me: “Nope, sounds good thanks!”
Intercom: “That’ll be $118.00 at the first window”
And you wonder why a lot of American men are fat?
Next post: Everything you always wanted to know about HDL’s, LDL’s and triglycerides.

MEN IN SHORTS

Soccer is a stupid, boring sport.

As far as I can tell it’s just a bunch of guys running around in shorts trying to kick a ball into a huge net. That major problem with this so-called “sport” is that they hardly ever seem to kick the ball into that net.

I’m sorry, I just don’t get it.

A lot of people – mostly foreigners – seem to really like this game. They chant and cheer and yell while the guys in shorts never score any goals. The game lasts for like 8 hours and it is very common that the game ends with the score tied zero to zero. Yet the fans yell and chant the whole bloody time! How is that possible?

And they wear shorts. UGH! No sport is real a sport if you play it while wearing shorts. How can it be a manly game if you wear shorts? Oh I know some of you morons out there will point out that basketball players wear shorts but that’s not the same. I don’t know why, but it’s just not the same. Michael Jordan has more than proven that you can be manly and still wear shorts. Maybe it’s because they score like 90 to 100 points in a basketball game. I’m an American and scoring is important. Maybe in France, or some other country that’s used to losing, a zero to zero score can be considered “manly”. But I ain’t from France so it just doesn’t do it for me.

And the whole way the play the game is so bizarre – no helmets, no pads, no stick to hit stuff with – I mean, they can’t even pick up the ball without somebody blowing a whistle. And the rules are stupid. If you trip someone (“Oh, he tripped me, that mean man in the green shorts tripped me!”), the referee hands you a yellow card and you get in trouble. All the French fans start chanting “Pepe Le Pew” or some such nonsense and are wee wee happy that the guy gets in trouble. And, if you trip another guy, the ref hands you a red card and you have to leave the game.

If I had to wear shorts and play this stupid game I would immediately go out and trip two people so I could go home.

And soccer fans themselves are all nuts. Chanting and yelling while standing there for hours watching a scoreless game. It actually drives them insane and they start fighting with other fans in a attempt to relieve the boredom. That however does not always work. They will sometimes reach a point where they resort to jumping up and down wildly trying to get the stands to collapse. I used to wonder why they did that but finally figured it out: They know if they can cause most of the stadium to collapse onto the field, they’ll finally get to go home.

Next post: Why do the French hate Americans so much?

REAL MEN DO NOT CRY!

If you are a real man, you do not cry.

OK, there could be some exceptions like if your mother dies or your favorite sports franchise moves away to another city but, other than that, men do not cry.

There have been occasions where my eyes have watered during some scene in a chick film but that was due to the sheer strain on my eyes from having to watch such drivel. If that should ever happen to you just sneeze violently or laugh obnoxiously loud in order to distract others who may be in the room. Explain that this is of course not crying but merely some sort of irritation to the eye.

If you should be doing some manly chore like trying to hit a nail with a hammer and inadvertently strike your thumb, this may also cause irritation and watering of the eyes. At that point it is best to start swearing really loud and explain that swearing sometimes makes your eyes water.

Women can, and do, cry for several reasons: They are sad. They are lonely. They think you don’t love them. They think they’re too fat. Someone gave them a mean look. There are no cookies left. The list is truly endless.

But mostly they cry for only one reason: To punish you, the man.

When a man’s eyes “water” it is appropriate to say, “Oh, what a wussy!”, but if you say that to a woman they will only cry louder and slam a door or something. It is always best to just irritate them right up to the brink of crying and then run. You need to run because if they get to the crying point, you have lost. They will always win.

They will say something stupid like, “I know you don’t love me!” You will need to bite your tongue here and avoid any spur of the moment response. Any negative comment will cause you grief and that grief could last for months. The proper thing to do at this point is to apologize profusely and grovel (I will give multiple tips on groveling in future posts).

Of course you can call her a wussy. Tell her what you think! Lay down the law with that whining woman!

Next post: Tips for sleeping comfortably on the sofa.